There’s evidently an old saying in Hollywood: if it ain’t broke, break it.
Piggybacking on someone else’s success by milking an old idea for a quick buck—and dragging that once-great idea through the muck in the process—is a Tinseltown tradition as deep-rooted as rhinoplasty.
With some notable exceptions (The Coens “True Grit” and Cronenberg’s take on “The Fly,” to name a few), remakes are usually derivative at best, unwatchably redundant at worst.
Here are some entirely unnecessary rehashes that got green-lighted because there is no all-loving God to prevent evil from happening in the world.
7. Karate Kid
Why the 1984 original was awesome: Mr. Miyagi’s “wax on, wax off” mantra inspired countless children to polish their parents’ cars; middle-aged drunken men everywhere still attempt to unleash the crane kick with hilarious results; the finale proved violence solves everything in the end.
Why the 2010 remake sucked: It’s not about karate, for starters (the martial art in question is kung fu); Will Smith’s son Jaden proves the showbiz gene skipped a generation; some heavy-handed production guidance from the state-run China Film Group lends the whole enterprise an air of propaganda.
6. Total Recall
Why the 1990 original was awesome: Sharon Stone kicks Arnold Schwarzenegger’s ass; Arnie’s eyes nearly kablooie out of their sockets as he hollers his trademark roar; Martian hooker has three boobs.
Why the 2012 remake sucked: no former Austrian bodybuilder with bulging eyes and zingers like “Considah it a divorrrce”; although the triple-breasted hooker makes a cameo, her elapsed time onscreen works out to roughly one second per breast. Plus she’s a little too attractive, which makes us feel icky.
5. The Longest Yard
Why the 1974 original was awesome: Burt Reynolds, sans moustache.
Why the 2005 remake sucked: Adam Sandler, sans talent.
4. The Omen
Why the 1976 original was awesome: the little kid who is the physical embodiment of Satan looks a lot like AC/DC guitarist Angus Young; if that’s not enough, the movie is also fucking scary.
Why the 2006 version sucked: this scene-for-scene remake copied everything about the original except its watchability; the demon-child looks more like “Love Me Do” era Paul McCartney.
3. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Why the 1974 original was awesome: it was a genre-defining masterpiece in splatter cinema; it was actually a “black comedy” if you ask director Tobe Hooper, but censors didn’t see the humor, banning the film in several countries after its release; the “based on a true story” conceit (not really true, but not altogether false) adds extra chills.
Why the 2003 remake sucked: it lacks all the grit, washed-out colors and low-budget wonkiness that gave the original the off-putting feel of a snuff film.
2. Godzilla
Why the 1954 original was awesome: an allegory about the dangers nuclear science created in post-war Japan after the atomic obliteration of Hiroshima and Nagasaki—that’s damn-near poetic; features unintentionally hilarious overdubbing; Godzilla can totally kick Mothra’s ass/venom-sac.
Why the 1998 remake sucked: we already saw Jurassic Park; Matthew Broderick is only believable as Ferris Bueller; no hilarious overdubbing.
1. Psycho
Why the 1960 original was awesome: an excruciatingly suspenseful masterpiece that exemplifies Hitchcock at the top of his game; Janet Leigh in the shower, booyah; violins shrieking “REE REE REE” is still the universal sound of abject terror.
Why the 1998 version sucked: a shot-for-shot remake of the original, but with hokey gimmicks that add nothing but viewer rage. And in color, no less. Blasphemy!
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