Is there anything worse than being disappointed by a movie? Think of the ones you waited patiently and eagerly for, only to discover that everything you imagined in your head hadn’t made it up onto the screen. Like, at all. There are certain movies that had the odds weighed against them from the very start, and we’re not going to be dealing with those here: think George Lucas territory, what with “The Phantom Menace” and “Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.” You willed them to be amazing, of course, but you knew the chances of success were on the lower end of the spectrum: in those cases, George Lucas is a generally lousy filmmaker, and the hype machine was in maximum overdrive.
But what about the flicks whose ingredients seemed perfectly placed, only for the final product to emerge mediocre in every sense? What about the movies that boasted an idea so brilliant that it seemed impossible for the filmmakers to screw it up? Here’s our pick of five movies that fall into such a category: despite their esteemed cast and crew, each one failed to meet our (rightly) high expectations.
5. Death Proof (2007)
Dir. Quentin Tarantino
What We Thought Before: Quentin Tarantino and Kurt Russell are making a car chase movie? And this one looks to be fully embracing Tarantino’s love for exploitation and slasher flicks, which means he’s making an unabashed genre movie with old-fashioned titles and everything. There’s a seemingly endless line of pretty girls starring in this one, too, which isn’t anything to complain about. I’m totally in!
What We Got: A surprisingly long-winded talkfest that perfectly showcases how Tarantino’s dialogue might actually grate on an audience’s patience. Women seem to natter on endlessly with stories that aren’t at all interesting to somebody who wasn’t there with them when they happened. I mean, there’s one story about a girl falling in a ditch, for God’s sake. And there’s not enough Kurt Russell.
Redeeming Features: Well, arguably the best car chase of the 21st century.
4. The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997)
Dir. Steven Spielberg
What We Thought Before: Given the huge success that was “Jurassic Park,” who wouldn’t want Spielberg to return for another slice of dinosaur-based mayhem? And with Jeff Goldblum—definitely the original film’s best and most enjoyable character—in the lead? Yes please.
What We Got: Something that feels like it’s trying to be a Steven Spielberg film by somebody who isn’t Steven Spielberg. A surprisingly hollow affair from the sentimental master, devoid of the magic that surrounded the original. There are some good sequences, but there’s nothing here that wasn’t done better in the first film, making this sequel utterly pointless in every way. Even Jeff Goldblum can’t bring some spark to the material, his character having been greatly reduced of its charisma and fun and swapped for that of the straight man. Oh, and that fucking scene where that kid gymnastic-kicks a velociraptor is absolutely the worst.
Redeeming Features: The RV suspended over the cliff is one of Spielberg’s best ever set pieces. And it’s fun to see a T-Rex stalking the mainland for a bit, isn’t it?
3. Prometheus (2012)
Dir. Ridley Scott
What We Thought Before: When the trailer for “Prometheus” hit the web, nobody could quite believe what they were seeing: it appeared as though the greatest sci-fi film ever had been created out of nowhere. And Ridley Scott back in the film genre he helped define in the 70s and 80s? Michael Fassbender playing an android? A film that looks to be both beautifully-detailed and intelligent-crafted? Oh. My. God.
What We Got: A fair and enjoyable space thriller that failed to explore its story with any intelligence. “Prometheus” shoots itself in the foot as it repeatedly chooses to ask questions it never even attempts to answer (screenwriter Damon “Lost” Lindleof, we’re sure that’s all you). And there are plot holes all over the place, not to mention a whole host of characters acting as if they don’t have a brain cell between them.
Redeeming Features: A visual masterpiece in every sense. The set design, costumes and SFX are genuinely superior.
2. Hancock (2008)
Dir. Peter Berg
What We Thought Before: What a great idea! Will Smith—playing an invincible superhero who doesn’t give a shit about humanity and just wants to laze about all day and drink—must be rehabilitated by PR guy Jason Bateman. The potential for great action sequences, comedy moments and plain old fun are endless. Get me a ticket to this thing.
What We Got: Tone-confused and nasty, Hancock completely fails to realize the potential of its premise and instead shifts itself into bizarre plot-twist territory that only serves to spoil the fun. Will Smith even lacks his usual charisma due to a script that refuses to play ball with its actors. And although it starts out better than it ends up, Peter Berg’s film never feels comfortable with itself. Here’s to the brilliant anti-superhero movie that never was.
Redeeming Features: Jason Bateman, likable as always.
1. Public Enemies (2009)
Dir. Michael Mann
What We Thought Before: Michael Mann doing a period gangster movie? With Johnny Depp playing John Dillinger? And Christian Bale as the obsessed agent on his tail? What could possibly go wrong?
What We Got: A somewhat boring, middling picture lacking an emotional heart and well-defined drama. The actors are taking the material dead seriously, but both Johnny Depp and Christian Bale come across as rather vague and unlikable. Mann’s decision to shoot in digital and HD is also ill judged: the feeling of the 1930s is completely lost as a result. Even the action sequences seem un-Mann like. What should have been riveting, pulse-quickening entertainment is surprisingly mediocre despite its ambitious attempt to capture Dillinger’s life. So much so that it ultimately feels…well, pointless.
Redeeming Features: Steven Graham is very good as Baby Face Nelson.
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