Apple CEO Tim Cook introduced the widely anticipated latest generation of the iPhone at a press event recently. Here are some of the new device’s features:
1. Says things when you touch it, just like a real person
2. Adjustable hand-strap
3. Siri tunelessly hums when left alone for too long
4. Plaid
5. Makes a sighing noise whenever it passes older iPhones
6. Frictionless no-grip casing eases transition from hand to floor
7. Can hammer nails
8. Is pathetic piece of shit compared to the iPhone 6
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