Skeleton Sex: Woman Arrested For Having Sex with Human Bones!!!

Following a tip that a woman was bragging to neighborhood kids that she had dead people and knives in her apartment, a 37-year-old Swedish woman was arrested last September on suspicion of murder when police officers entered her home and found human skeletal remains and knives in her living room.

The murder charges were later dropped—despite the fact that the prosecutor has no fucking clue where she got the skeletons in the first place—when it was discovered the woman was using the remains as sexual props.

The lovely Swedish lady might have gotten away with murder, but on Tuesday she was formally charged for the crime of “violating the peace of the dead,” an offense that carries a hefty load of fines and up to two years of jail time.

It just goes to show, when you need a good boning, go straight to the source:

The woman is believed to have used the human bones for sexual gratification. The evidence that the prosecution presented to the press on Tuesday included two CDs labelled “My necrophilia” and “My first experience” which contained a number of document files and pictures.

After further analysis it was determined that the woman is not mentally ill and that she is simply fascinated by death. A claim supported by the pile of evidence found in her apartment: a picture of her licking a skull, photos of morgues and chapels, body bags, a drill, and “documents about how to have sex with the recently deceased or otherwise dead people.”

You’d think the proof would be in the pudding, but despite the damning evidence this Swedish necrophiliac continues to claim the woman in the photos isn’t her and that the only reason she had an apartment full of human skeletons is that she’s an amateur historian and archaeologist.

I’m not one to call people liars, but…LIAR! Liar, liar, pants on fire, nose is as long as a telephone wire. She’s definitely guilty, but I say throw the woman a bone, I don’t know that she necessarily deserves to go to jail. It’s not like she hurt anyone, except maybe herself with bone shards in weird orifices. Although, I guess I would be emotional scarred if someone dug up my grandfather’s grave to use his tibia as a fake dong.

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Courtney Cox’s Old Lady in Bikini with Scary Dinosaur Back Pics

This is freaking me the fuck out…and you have to understand that I don’t fear skinny girls. If anything, I support and endorse fitness or starvation or anything so that you don’t end up fat, but there comes a time where I guess being skinny is flawed, and as much as I hate admitting that, because I love skin and bones, this fucking Courtney Cox spine is the shit nightmares are fucking made of…seriously. It’s like something that came straight out of a horror movie. I don’t know what the cause of this is, but shit does not look fucking normal, and all I can think about is how disturbing fucking her from behind would be…staring at that thing like it was an alien creature ready to rip your fucking dick off.

I find this really fucking WEIRD…and I have fucked some really fucking weird, questionable things. On the positive side of things, her ass isn’t bad for a 50-year-old mom, so if you focus on that, it’s almost as though that freakish back isn’t there haunting the rest of her.

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The Return of the Top 5 Bizarre Sex Toys!!!

Every few months or so, I let the Internet rape my brain with a deluge of bizarre sex toys. Then I choose the top five that I can stomach and post them here for your entertainment and/or shopping list ideas. As always, let me know which of the sex toys disgust you, which ones turn you on, which ones you already own and use every day.

5. Justin Bieber Sex Doll

I think this is meant for gay men but I’m buying it for my wife…you know…for posing with on Instagram….and you know…for her to have sex with somehow.

4. Inflatable Sounder

Know what this is? Where it goes? Well, that long, thin center black bit is meant to go into a man’s pee hole. Fair enough, since I’m a decadent fucker, that’s pretty tame to me, but then the toy INFLATES.

INFLATES!

3.  Fuck Saw

It can be dangerous and time consuming to make your own Fuck Saw, that is, attaching a dildo to a power saw. Thankfully, now you can buy one pre-manufactured and avoid the murder charge when you accidentally saw your girlfriend in half from the inside.

2. Electro-Stim Butt Plug

This is an electrified butt plug. I’m no doctor. Hell, I didn’t even finish high school. Hell, I’m functionally illiterate. But it can’t be healthy to send electrical currents up into your ass.

1. Labrador Retriever Dog Penis Dildo with Inflatable Knot

It’s a dog dildo. Enough said.

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The Brazilian Supermodel vs. Hurricane Sandy

While most celebrities only tweeted “thoughts and prayers” to the victims of Hurricane Sandy, Brazilian model/actress/reality thing Nana Gouvêa actually got off of her ass and did something to help the people of Manhattan. Nana and her husband moved from Brazil to NYC, because the international fashion world needed an international supermodel like her. The morning after the hurricane hit, Nana put the skills she learned at São Paulo’s Gisele Bundchen School of Posing with Inanimate Objects to good use by starring in her own “Fame Whore Amongst the Destruction” photo shoot. The people around her were grateful, because for a second they stopped worrying about not having fucking electricity so they could roll an eye at her.

You might see a car that was destroyed by a falling tree, but Nana sees a posing playground. You might see destruction and ruined lives, but Nana sees the perfect backdrop for an American Apparel photo shoot. Nana really does have a gift, because notice how her dead eyes match the eerie emptiness of the city. The lights aren’t only off in lower Manhattan, they’re off in Nana's head too.

Nana has already been declared a hero of Hurricane Sandy and Mayor Bloomberg will give her the key to the city (a.k.a. deportation papers) at a special ceremony next week.

And that booming sound you hear is Tyra Banks banging her oversized head against the wall, because she’s mad at herself for not coming up with this shit. Once Tyra gets over that, I’m sure she’ll hire Nana to be the new creative director on America’s Next Top Model.

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The Fallen Disney Princesses

Time for our Disney Princess obsession to take a bit of a darker turn. No sexy cosplay or fun cartoons today. Rather, we have a somewhat tragic photo series from Dina Goldstein called “Fallen Princesses.”

Each Princess, later in life, must go through some sort of struggle we don’t see within the Disney universe. What if they had the problems real women have here or all over the world?

You’ll catch on to the concept soon enough. Cinderella, you’re looking for your man in the wrong place…

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