Movie Reviews of Movies I Haven’t Watched: Rise of The Guardians! Paranormal Activity! Silent Hill!

Rise of The Guardians

I feel the laziness oozing off of this film. “Let’s make a movie where holiday icons have to get together and do such and such! Awesome! We’ll have Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and…shit.” So then they come up with Jack Frost, the Tooth Fairy and the goddamn Sandman? So it’s not holiday icons; it’s just things we lie about to kids? 

In a nutshell: I’m guessing they have to overcome some kind of villain like the Spirit of April Fool’s Day or whatever, and it seems like all is lost when there’s 30 minutes left in the movie, but then they all pull together and win and everyone is happy.  So there you go, no need to pay to see it.

Paranormal Activity 4

If the people at the end of the Paranormal Activity movies weren’t all dead, some documentary producer should hire them. These people have their cameras on all the time, and they certainly know a thing or two about framing. Boo.

In a nutshell: Possessed children are the most terrifying thing ever created by God and/or Satan.

Silent Hill: Revelation

I liked the first Silent Hill movie, not because it was in any way well written, but it was pretty creepy shit. That’s not easy to find in horror movies, and the implication of what the story was about was actually cool. Basically some dicks tried to kill this little girl for being a witch only it didn’t work and then she went all batshit and this evil little demon inside of her made a whole nightmare world for everyone to live in and be tortured in. Then it falls apart later when just any old person can get tortured there, but whatever. It was cool on the surface. Then this sequel shows up.

Of course I haven’t seen the movie, that’s the point, but I will say that when the CG in your trailer looks worse than cut scenes in video games, you’ve screwed up. The trailers are supposed to show the good stuff to make me want to see your movie.  The ads for “Silent Hill: Revelation” are a hot mess of turd and confusion.

In a nutshell: Usually I’ll take this time to say maybe it’s really a good movie but honestly, we all know there’s no hope for this one.

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Top 7 Most Successful Low-Budget Movies

7. Mad Max

Budget: $350,000-400,000

Box office: $100,000,000

Back in 1979, an unknown actor named Mel Gibson starred in an Australian movie production called “Mad Max.” Despite the film’s very limited budget and somewhat amateur crew, it went on to become a top-grossing Australian film and spawned multiple sequels and a remake.

6. Night of the Living Dead

Budget: $114,000

Box office: $42 million

This 1968 horror film was the very first zombie movie in existence. In fact, the term “zombie” didn’t even come about until after this film. With this movie, a new supernatural creature was born; and because of its popularity, many more zombie films soon followed.

5. Halloween

Budget: $325,000

Box office: $70 million

Jamie Lee Curtis made her feature film debut in the 1978 film “Halloween,” a low-budget horror masterpiece that went on to become one of the most popular horror franchises of all time.

4. The Evil Dead

Budget: $350,000-400,000

Box office: $29,400,000

Another movie series with an extremely loyal cult following was jump started upon the release of “The Evil Dead” in 1981. The movie has received a 100% positive rating on RottenTomatoes.com, and it is widely considered to be one of the greatest horror films of all time.

3. My Big Fat Greek Wedding

Budget: $5 million

Box office: $368,744,044

This Canadian-American sleeper had a low budget and equally low expectations, but went on to become the highest-grossing romantic comedy in history. Considering it never reached number one at the box office during its time in theaters, that was quite a feat to pull off!

2. The Blair Witch Project

Budget: $500,000-750,000

Box office: $248,639,099

Widely regarded as one of the most successful low-budget films of all time, “The Blair Witch Project” became a cultural phenomenon upon its release in 1999.  Filming only lasted for eight days and was entirely done with handheld video cameras, but word of mouth and an expertly executed marketing campaign led to its success.

1. Paranormal Activity

Budget: $15,000

Box office: $193,355,800

Finally, the 2007 supernatural horror film “Paranormal Activity” takes the cake as the most successful low budget movie of all time. With a teeny-tiny budget and massive critical and commercial success, it’s no wonder that the franchise has expanded to include a seemingly endless string of sequels and prequels.

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